We've lived in our home and enjoyed our creekside wedge of ground for 25 years… and so have the moles. And while I understand that they serve a purpose in eating grubs and such... they also cause a lot of upheaval simply doing what they do.

Each year, as the ground begins to warm, trails of freshly disturbed soil emerge in long, lumpy veins across the back yard. In the front yard, those trails trace the sidewalks and outline the concrete driveway. And while I have actively waged war in decades past, I have given up in recent years and lived with the upheaval of the moles.

There is another mole... one that has burrowed in the soil of my soul for decades. And, truth be told, weary from following the trails and unsuccessfully stomping down the emotional and mental upheaval, I deferred to the familiar line, "It is what it is."

I have spent a lifetime feeling that way about my weight. The sighing "ugh" each time I looked in the mirror only tightened the self-imposed mantle of shame. And the accompanying nausea as I tried to find clothes I felt okay with only served to reinforce the enemy’s whisper, “You’re such a miserable loser.” The reality for me... hear that... for me, was that I got to the place of hurting knees, aching back, and burgeoning health issues because I chose to. I was responsible, and I carried the weight of my own shame, embarrassment, and disdain for what I had become.

With deep reflection, I realize that for as long as I can remember, food has been the handrails to which I clung when I experienced the instability of upheaval in my life. From experiences too much for a child to have to process, to unspeakable grief, to inability to handle stress... I ate to control, to numb, and to comfort myself. For me... hear that... for me, food ultimately became the solution to the very issues it was creating. And though hating it, I deferred to the mole, believing, "It is what it is." 

However, in the early fall of 2024, as I began to reflect on my approaching 60th birthday, a phrase dropped into my mind and heart. "Sixty by sixty." Almost afraid to even consider it, I trepidly wondered, "What if I could lose sixty pounds by the time I turned sixty?" Embers of possibility glowed as the inner dialogue continued, "I mean, that is 16 months away... that’s somewhat realistic." Then a breath of hope ignited a more confident thought, "That's a crazy goal, but not outrageously impossible. Maybe this could really happen."

As "sixty by sixty" continued to percolate, I told no one. Doomscrolling one morning, I happened to "like" a social media post that spoke to the silent hope that was beginning to stir in me. A day or two later, I received a DM from the author of that post. Not responding, I instead donned my investigative cap, exploring everything I could find online about this guy. I discovered that he was a coach who appeared very relatable and was faith-oriented. And while you certainly can't know someone by their social media content, I appreciated what I read. Knowing that this person knew nothing of me, in a few messages back and forth, I just spilled my guts. Honestly, I had never spoken to anyone about the burrowing mole of self-disdain before, and I found it rather cathartic. The dialogue culminated in an invitation to a short-term faith-based coaching commitment. After gathering the details, I agreed... to pray about it.

Truth be told, while I considered a strategy of graceful ghosting, I also had an increasing sense that God might be at work. "I know I am not creative enough to come up with '60x60' on my own... and perhaps You, Divine Orchestrator, mightier than algorithms, may have brought this particular person to my attention... but honestly, God, this is going to have to be You if this happens." And right then, Philippians 2:13 came to mind. Comparing a few different versions, my heart ignited as I read the Amplified Translation. "For it is [not your strength, but it is] God who is effectively at work in you, both to will and to work [that is, strengthening, energizing, and creating in you the longing and the ability to fulfill your purpose] for His good pleasure."

My heart quickened with a sense that God really was initiating transformation. "Can it truly be that Your Spirit is going to strengthen, energize, and create the longing AND the ability to fulfill what I am sensing is Your purpose for me at this time in my life? And it actually pleases You to do that?"

Taking a step of faith on October 23, 2024, I made a short-term commitment to receive coaching from this brother in Christ, who is a nutritional and fitness coach. And while I jokingly told him how afraid I was that he was going to be this dumb-jock type who would bully this nerdy musician for the next eight months, he was exactly the opposite. No judgment, no shame, no yelling, no passive-aggressive comments, but rather grace. He offered kindness, Truth-filled counsel, and wisdom. Most unexpectedly, I was humbled to discover that there was mutual mentoring, as he later confessed that he learned just as much from me as I had learned from him.

These last fifteen months of walking with God have been profoundly transformational and filled with contrasts. I have been both quieted by God's love [Zeph 3:17 TLV] and deafened by soul-cries of inner turmoil; exposed yet hidden; feeling extremely vulnerable yet fiercely protected; lonely at times yet surrounded by champions of encouragement just when I needed it; scrambling as I floundered yet held secure in gentle firmness; silenced by the complexity of brokenness and yet released to voice the simplicity of healing. It's been a journey of discovery, filling pages and pages journaling with God, untangling emotions, and ending countless entries with, "SMH... I just had no idea..."

Has it been hard? Absolutely. Has it been ugly? Affirmative. Has it been beautiful? That, too. Has it been grueling? Yes. Has it been easy? There have been moments. Have you been pushed to the edge? For sure. Was your experience linear? Cyclical? More like scribbles? Yes, yes, and yes. Has God been faithful? Relentlessly and ruthlessly. Hundreds of times, I have gone back to His promise (sometimes laughing, more often crying), thanking Him for being effectively at work: for strengthening, for energizing, and for creating both the longing and the ability to fulfill what He initiated in me, all for His good pleasure. "When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' Your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy" [Psalm 94:18-19].

Many times, when I have collapsed in frustration with all that comes on this journey, the Lord reminded me, "That which is birthed in the Spirit has to be maintained in the Spirit. That which is birthed in the flesh has to be maintained in the flesh. Son, this journey of transformation was birthed in and therefore has to be maintained in the Spirit. You cannot do this in the flesh. 'Walk with me and work with me... learn the unforced rhythms of grace... keep company with me' [Matthew 11:28 MSG]. I will strengthen, energize, and create the longing and the ability to fulfill My purpose for you. And I will complete that which I have begun for My good pleasure." Selah.

Yesterday, I turned 60. And lost in wonder, love, and praise (nod to Charles Wesley), I acknowledge that the goal has been exceeded. And while I share that unapologetically, I also write with a tender mindfulness of just how sensitive this topic is. I am painfully aware that if you didn't know me, I may sound like I am saying things that I am not actually saying. I gently ask you to hear my heart. As with all the entries in this blog, I have committed to being authentic and to risk vulnerability, sharing personally impactful encounters with God that have transformed my thinking in hopes that you, too, might be encouraged.

I want to close this entry by sharing a sweet and then a poignant confirmation that the Lord gave along the way that reminds me of the kind intention of His empowering presence. Shortly after beginning this journey, preoccupied with swatting at the gnats of shame and inadequacy swarming in my head, God sweetly equipped me with vocabulary to silence the voice of the Father of Lies. Sitting in a movie theater, the line, "That may be your little secret, Elphaba, but it doesn't make it true" [Galinda in Wicked] touched me deeply. Walking to the car after the movie, I kept repeating that line... and have spoken that lie-displacing truth many, many times over the last 16 months. Beloved, in the quietness of your soul, that thing may be your little secret, but it doesn't make it true.

Lastly, it was easy to ignore the mole activity when I was outside, that is, until it moved from the back of the house to the front. Each morning, I could see the upheaval on one edge of the sidewalk, then on the opposite side, then along the driveway. As I reflected on what I was seeing, the Lord reminded me of how the enemy is like a mole, seeking to burrow long trails of doubt and fear and condemnation, slyly wanting to reassure me that I would never be able to reach that goal, let alone maintain it.

The morning after the Lord identified the mole, I walked down my front steps and spotted a small, black, furry thing in the grass right at the edge of the sidewalk. Peering more closely, I grimaced, realizing it was a mole! But here is the amazing thing: the mole was dead… exposed and dealt with by a force greater than itself. And before I could think about what I was doing, in a gesture of hearty agreement, I kicked the carcass into the air and watched it land in the bushes, exclaiming, "The mole is dead!" As I got in the car, I repeated with assurance, "The mole is dead." And realizing the significance of that poignant moment, I shouted all the more, "The mole is dead!" Beloved, "God brought you alive - right along with Christ! Think of it! All sins forgiven, the slate wiped clean, that old arrest warrant canceled and nailed to Christ's cross. He stripped all the spiritual tyrants in the universe of their sham authority at the Cross..." [Col 2:15 MSG]. "So now the case is closed. There remains no accusing voice of condemnation against those who are joined in life-union with Jesus, the Anointed One" [Romans 8:1 TPT]. The mole is dead!

Precious, cherished, and treasured one, rest in the kind intention of God’s will toward you. In whatever it is that you are facing, know that Grace surrounds you: the empowering presence of God that enables you to become everything He sees when He looks at you. Along the way, the One who is able to complete what He has begun will strengthen, energize, and create in you the longing and the ability to fulfill your purpose for His good pleasure. “As your days are, so will your strength, your rest and security be” [Deuteronomy 33:25 AMP].

In Him, you are brave, you are strong, and you are more than you know. Amen.

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